Alexandra (Me): Hello Universe!

Universe: Good day, dear one. How do we find you this day?

A: You find me well, and redetermined, actually.

U: Ah! It sounds as though there might be a story behind your words.

A: There is indeed, although not a long one.

U: We are content to listen. Do proceed.

A: Okay, thanks! So I woke up yesterday morning feeling really crappy, if you’ll excuse my French.

U: Mais vous n’avez pas parlé en français.

A: I know. “Excuse my French” is such a strange English expression. I Googled it. It originated in 19th-century England as an apology for using French words in conversation to sound sophisticated. To show off, in other words. The meaning shifted in time and “French” became a euphemism for anything rude or uncouth. So “excuse my French” became an apology for using profanity. And, of course, it was a little dig at the French.

U: We find humans endlessly baffling, to be frank.

A: Me too! Anyway, back to my story.

I woke up yesterday feeling crappy and disappointed with myself. I’d fallen back into doomscrolling. Because it made me so tired I only chanted for a half-hour on Friday. I’d stopped going for a walk every day. I’d stopped listening to the great, inspiring song I made with AI. I felt like such a failure.

I reminded myself of a quote from my mentor, Daisaku Ikeda:

Anyone who has ever made a resolution discovers that the strength of that determination fades in time. The moment you feel that is when you should make a fresh determination. Tell yourself, “OK! I will start again from now!” If you fall down seven times, get up an eighth. Don’t give up when you feel discouraged—just pick yourself up and renew your determination each time.

But I didn’t feel strong enough to follow his guidance. And then, I turned it all around.

U: Oh well done! We love human stories of fighting back the darkness!

A: Me too!

It started by playing my song over and over on repeat. It’s called The Power In My Voice and it’s really encouraging. You can listen to it here, if you like:

The Power In My Voice

U: It certainly is upbeat.

A: Exactly! I played it enough times to get myself into warm clothes to go out for a walk. And how lovely that was! Crisp, chilled autumnal air, azure-blue sky, bright yellow leaves. I looked up at the sky as I walked and said, “I’m sorry for f***ing up.” And I felt… forgiven.

Then I found the tree I bond with most often for grounding. I stood with my two hands on its trunk for some time, fusing with not just its energy, but also the energy of the other trees and of Mother Earth that it connects to through the subterranean root networks. I felt quietly and calmly restabilized.

I walked a little further, turned round and ran back uphill for a bit before running out of puff, and walking the rest of the way home.

Once home, I did cat chores, washed my hair, had a smoothie, and sat down before the Gohonzon for morning prayers and a half-hour of chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Using the power in my voice!

I deeply reaffirmed myself as Ikeda Sensei’s disciple, and it made a difference in how I felt about myself, about my life, about everything.

U: In what way “different,” may we ask?

A: You may! It made things appear clearer, as though a fog, or clouds, had been blown away. I felt ready to tackle challenges instead of avoiding them, which is what distractions (i.e., doomscrolling) are all about.

So that afternoon I got into the next lesson in the AI course I’m taking. And, oh boy, was it challenging! However, instead of giving up, and telling myself it’s not for me and I’m not a techie, and all the many discouraging thoughts that are so ready to hog the spotlight in my mind’s attention, I just kept plugging away. I threw out the first two botched attempts I made to complete the lesson’s task, and on the third try, I managed to get an acceptable result.

But here’s the thing. I actually appreciated the challenge. I felt encouraged! Because I hadn’t run away from the difficulty. So therefore, I knew I’d grown during those hours of effort. And that’s exactly what my mentor teaches.

You know, after my parents had died and my sister and I went through their papers, I read my school reports. The comment that came up time after time was, “She’d do well if she tried harder.” But, for numerous reasons, I didn’t feel equipped to try harder. (With the exception of one year when my father took a great interest in my studies, and I became the top student in my year. So I guess all those teachers were right about my potential.)

Fundamentally, I didn’t believe in myself, or in a happy, successful life for myself. So why bother to make a great effort?

Here’s why: It makes me feel good. Great, even!

U: Dear one, you show with your life that one may awaken to a greater state and a greater possibility at any point or stage in life. That one may always make a fresh start.

Or, as you yourself wrote years ago, in a poem:

Life has always loved us
So we can always start again.

Photo by Maxime Horlaville on Unsplash